Turning Towards Each Other: Healing Your Relationship with Intimacy from the Inside Out.
- ajongeleen2
- Apr 11
- 16 min read
Written by Anna Jongeleen
There is a kind of longing that lives quietly beneath the surface of our daily lives—a yearning to be seen, to be understood, and to be held in the full truth of who we are. This longing often shows up most vividly in our intimate relationships, where the stakes are high, and the vulnerability is deep.
Intimacy from the Inside Out (IFIO) speaks to this longing. It is not just a therapeutic model—it is a way of relating to ourselves and to others with reverence, curiosity, and care. Rooted in Internal Family Systems (IFS) and enriched by the wisdom of Focusing-Oriented Psychotherapy, IFIO invites us to meet the tender, protective, reactive, and exiled parts of ourselves with compassion, so that we can show up more fully for connection, and for love.
This blog is an invitation into that world—a world where intimacy begins on the inside, where our inner systems are not obstacles to closeness but pathways toward it. Whether you are here as a therapist, a seeker, or someone whose heart has been touched by the complexity of love, may these words meet you gently. And may they offer you a map, however imperfect, toward deeper connection—with yourself, and with those you care for.
IFIO is built on the foundations of Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, endorsing the normality of a multiplicity of parts in people. We have inner parts that are often conflicting, protecting, managing and living in exile. This blog is also based on the Internal Family Systems Couple Therapy Skills Manual authored by Toni Herbine-Blank and Martha Sweezy (2021). I have also drawn from Focusing Oriented Psychotherapy (FOP) developed by Eugene T. Gendlin (1996), the therapy method that brought me into psychotherapy in the first place.
What Are the Main Aspects of Internal Family Systems?
All human beings possess parts and an undamaged core Self, the seat of Presence.
No single feeling or experience represents all of who we are at any given moment; parts are aspects of a larger whole.
Some parts take on protective roles to ward off vulnerability, other parts are vulnerable, and still other parts have not been affected by wounding.
The process is collaborative, client and therapist work together to support the process of unburdening and healing.
Parts are part of an internal (family) system.
All parts are welcome.
What Are the Main Aspects of Focusing Oriented Psychotherapy? (https://focusing.org/felt-sense/focusing-oriented-psychotherapy)
Each human being has implicit knowledge of their next step in their unique process and as such, they are the expert of their experience.
The healing process involves a holding of a specific kind of open, non-judging attention to an internal knowing which is experienced and often not yet known in words - the felt- sense. A combination of feelings and sensations.
This implicit inner knowing and the felt-sense are central in the healing process.
Parts show themselves through the felt-sense, a physically, bodily awareness of a situation, person, or event that's not clear yet in words or thoughts.
FOP knows 6 steps, 1) clearing the inner space, 2) felt sense, 3) handle, 4), resonating, 5) asking, and 6), receiving.
The psychic consists of various parts working to protect us. IFS and FOP therapy seeks models to help our ego unwind, enabling the hidden parts of our personality to emerge and resolve.
Goals:
Build more self awareness and ability to emotionally regulate
Become more aware and sensitive to our bodily felt-senses, implicit knowing and natural forward moving process.
Understand and recognize the parts at play in ourselves and how they interact with each other, our selves and others.
Build more presence and the ability to differentiate from the inner parts.
Restoring trust in our Self presence as leader.
Learn to emphatically listen to our inner parts.
Liberate parts from the roles they have been forced into to protect us.
Re-harmonize the inner system.
And to become increasingly compassionately self led in our interactions with ourselves, others and the world.
The Nature of Parts
IFS calls proactive protector parts Managers, and reactive protector parts Firefighters. Managers are the parts who focus on maintaining social connections and aim to conceal qualities they associate with weakness or badness. Their main tool is inhibition, which comes in many forms, including symptoms of mental distress like dissociation, denial, self-directed criticism, warnings, or threats, and bleak views of possibility. Looking for relief from emotional pain, once our exiles do manage to break through the Managers walls of protection, reactive protector parts, Firefighters, respond to all this inhibition with rebellion and disinhibition. Firefighters use substance use, eating disorders, pornography, promiscuity, addictive behaviours, self harm and any other high-risk behaviours that offer distraction. All protector parts aim to keep emotional pain out of awareness and don't understand that banishing vulnerable parts increase their panic and pain. When our exile parts panic and manage to break through into our awareness, protector parts double down on them to push them back in to exile. This repetitive dynamic consumes a great deal of our mental, emotional and physical energy.
Parts in general:
come to existence in a developmental sequence
belong to an internal system of parts and contain a subsystem of parts, which in turn contains a subsystem of parts, ad infinitum.
have feelings, thoughts, opinions, and roles within their community
have interest, gifts, talents, and skills
have positive intentions for us
Parts who 'are':
some parts get rejected for what they are (vulnerable), and live in a state of exile.
Parts who 'do':
these parts take on protective roles and exile vulnerable parts in an effort to feel safe
proactive protectors ward off emotional pain proactively. Their style is inhibitory, managerial and socially acceptable
reactive protectors distract from emotional pain reactively. Their style is disinhibited, impulsive and socially challenging.
How do our Parts show up in our Relationships?
It is important to understand that our protectors have an arsenal of tools at their disposal to keep us in their control. They use our body, emotions, awareness, and impulsivity to achieve their goals. Their strategies is to project ourselves from experiencing pain, also in our relationships. Projection goes beyond denying or distracting from emotional pain by projecting the internal process to external relationships.
When we are in an internal protection mode, we criticize the other, our partner, for displaying an attribute that is actually characteristic of another, disowned, part in ourselves.
We call this transference in therapy. An important factor to understand when we work through relational conflicts.
Protectors, like genies in a bottle, can project anything in such a way that we totally fall for it. We believe their stories. 'They are wrong and I am right!!"
Projection is a way of managing our vulnerability. Projection is central in much interpersonal conflict, and is often the hardest thing for couples to accept. The U-Turn exercise, talked about later in this article, reverses our projections, takes us out of the blame and shame cycle with our partners, and have us look inside for the driving force behind our conflicts. When we look inside, and focus on our parts at play, we reveal our old injuries (exiles), and long held beliefs of how to keep ourselves safe. When we take care of our parts, share our painful early experiences hidden in our exiled parts with each other, we open the door to a relational re-turn, replete with compassion, empathy and understanding.
Emotional self regulation and having a healthy inner relationship with our parts, are critical tools for being able to have healthy, mutual respectful, interdependent relationships with others. When we are triggered, we are no longer able to be present. We cannot have hard conversations if we are not able to regulate our emotions and stay present. And when our relationship with ourself, our inner parts, is non-existing, avoiding, harsh and conflicted, we won't be very able to have healthy, unconditional loving, relationship with our significant others.
What is Self Energy, and What Does It Have to Do With Relationships?
Photograph A. Jongeleen. Gold flakes in a bottle.
In addition to parts, we all have an inborn fount of compassion, spacious awareness, and wisdom; the Self. It's only when we access the Self, and the Self Energy, that we can unblend from our parts, and unburden our exiles and grow a secure attachment inside and out. The 8 qualities of the Self are Curiosity, Calm, Confidence, Courage, Connectedness, Creativity, Clarity and Compassion.
Terms and Concepts that Are Important to Understand:
Unblending
Differentiating, or, unbending is probably the most important part of IFIO therapy, without it, the therapeutic process cannot happen. There needs to be a Self (a Witness, Conscious Awareness) present that is separate from the part to be able to communicate with the part. In IFIO we want parts to unblend so that the Self can show up. An in-sight, is when we commune with a part, have an open, empathic dialogue with a part, and that part feels safe to share their story with you.
Unburdening
Unburdening can start to happen when our protective parts have unblended from the Self, and we can begin the process of Witnessing past traumas and helping our exile parts to unburden, to let go of self-defeating beliefs and unrelenting extreme feelings (something is wrong with me, I’m weak, I’m worthless, I’m bad, I’m unlovable, I’m never good enough). Exiles parts often carry a variety of burdens, which they will only release if they, and their protectors, feel safe and well connected with the Self. When exiles let go of their burdens, protectors can let go of their jobs and return to their natural, helpful state, instead of controlling.
Relational Unburdening
As both partners unblend from their protectors, they can take turns revisiting traumatic childhood events that shaped their entrenched, repetitive patterns of fighting, disconnection and dissociation. We can begin the process of witnessing past traumas and help exiles unburden, let go of self defeating beliefs and unrelentingly extreme feelings (e.g. something is wrong with me, I am weak, bad, worthless, unlovable, bad, too much). Exiles cary our past burdens. The shaming and blaming we integrated as our own. When our exiled parts let go of their burdens, protectors can let go of their jobs, and return to their natural state.
More Terms and Concepts:
The 8 C’s (qualities of the Self): Curiosity, Calm, Confidence, Courage, Connectedness, Creativity, Clarity and Compassion
Blended: A part is merged with another part or with the Self. Blending occurs on a continuum such that the individual may be empathic and feel with a part, be substantially in agreement with a part, or go to the extreme of seeing the world entirely through the eyes of that part (this is me!).
Burdened: A part carries a burden. They are a mixture of painful beliefs to which parts adhere, extreme feelings states in which parts feel stuck, and recurrent distressing physical sensations that occur without narrative context, which turn out to symbolize or re-enact aspects of past trauma.
Burdens: Persistent negative, self-referential beliefs (I’m unlovable, I’m worthless), recurring intense trauma related feeling states (terror, shamefulness, rage), and repetitious physical sensations that are frightening or painful.
Do-Over: An exiled part that is stuck in the past, can take the Self (Me) back to that time and place where it instructs the Self to do whatever the part needed someone to do for it at the time (love, care, stand up for it, rescue, etc.).
In-Sight: An intentional, compassionate, open, internal communication between parts and the Self.
Parts: Internal entities, or sub-personalities, who function independently and have a full range of feelings, thoughts, beliefs and sensations. Parts vary in appearance, age, gender, talent, and interests. They take on various roles and in their natural state are part of our holistic, healthy functioning. Exiles are injured parts who often feel shameful and exert a primary influence on other parts. Orbiting around exiles are two different kind of protective parts; managers and firefighters. Manager parts are proactive and aim to prevent further injury to the exiles. Firefighters are reactive and took on the job to distract and suppress emotional pain when it breaks through despite the best efforts of our managers.
Exiles: These parts have been shamed, dismissed, abused or neglected in childhood and carry those unresolved burdens. Protector parts banish exiles for their safety and to keep them from overwhelming the internal system with emotional pain. A great deal of our energy is expended by protectors keeping exiles out of our awareness.
Managers: These focus on learning, functioning, and being prepared and stable. They are vigilant in trying to prevent exiles from flooding the system with emotional pain. They use pragmatism, thinking, criticizing, suppression and self shaming as common tactics.
Firefighters: These aim to ward off emotional pain when it does break through the managers walls like an emergency response team. They use extreme measures like alcohol and drug abuse, binge eating, addictive behaviours, porn, affairs, gambling, risky behaviours, self harm, suicidal ideation and even homicide. They are fiercely loyal to the mission of distracting from overwhelming, unresolved emotional pain and do not respond well when trying to be controlled.
Polarization: Protectors routinely get into disagreements over how to manage emotional pain and end up in adversarial relationships. Their conflicts can become increasingly extreme and costly. Protectors need to be acknowledged for their initial good intentions and thanked for have taken on the burden of protecting us.
Self: The seat of awareness, presence, consciousness.
Self-energy: Life force, aliveness, alertness, patience, curiosity, playfulness, loving kindness, sexuality, and creativity.
Unblending: Differentiating from parts, a being-with, rather then being-it. Self is present and available to communicate and accompany parts and help them heal.
Unburdening: When a part lets go of burdens (intense, painful emotions, beliefs, sensations). This can happen when the Self is a compassionate witness and helps heal unresolved emotions and experiences. The Self offers understanding, validation, acceptance, and love.
The U-Turn, The Most Important Step in the Process!
The U-Turn refers to the act of directing our focus inward, towards our internal parts instead of outwards towards our partner, others, or the world. This skill typically requires some practice and is an essential initial step in distinguishing and caring for the inner parts that need support. A key aspect of FOP and IFS Therapy, is to 'find, focus and flesh out,' our protective parts and help them unblend and notice our current Self. Once that's established, we can recognize our feelings toward, and befriend the target part, explore its fears, and invite it to do something new.
In couple therapy, the U-Turn is crucial for breaking the cycle of shame and blame that often develops in relationships with emotional injuries. Rather than remaining trapped in the endless cycle of blaming each other for our pain, the U-Turn redirects us to take responsibility for our own needs and unresolved, past issues. This doesn't absolve the other person of the hurt they caused, but it helps us understand our pain, recognizing that some aspects may be triggered by past experiences unrelated to our partner. It also aids in resolving inner conflicts and dilemmas, enabling us to communicate our hurt and needs to our partner in a way they can truly understand and address.
Learning to make a U-Turn, unblend from reactive parts, and speak for them instead of from them, is the key to having hard conversations safely. The process supports each partner in gaining clarity, calming the nervous system, and getting perspective on the needs beneath their reactivity.
All parts are welcome! There are no bad parts, just parts that are working really hard to keep you safe, and have been doing that often for a very long time. Remember that these parts believe you are still young, they don't know you've grown up, and they believe you need their protection from, what was then, overwhelming emotions. Once our protective parts realize we are no longer young, have grown up, and are now able to self regulate and deal with situations as adults, they are often relieved and gladly give up their exhausting jobs.
The U-Turn in 6 Steps using the six F’s: Find, Focus, Flesh out, Feel, BeFriend, Fear Step one - Find the target part in, or around, your body, asking yourself. Who needs my attention right now? Step two - Gently and kindly Focus on it Step three - Flesh it out: what is it’s felt sense (Feelings, emotions, sensations) Step four - How do you Feel towards it? Step five - Find out more about it, BeFriend it. Learn more about this part and develop a friendly relationship. Step six - What does this part Fear? What does it want for you, and what would happen if it stopped doing what it does? |
Understanding Our Relationship With a Part
After identifying a part we can explore it in greater detail by asking questions like these:
What is its role, and how does it help you manage your life?
What is its relationship with other people?
What positive intent does it have for you?
How does it try to protect you?
What is it trying to protect you from?
Is it happy with its job? Or would it prefer something else?
What does it fear?
What's under that fear?
What do they need to be less afraid?
What is the core need of this part?
Intimacy From the Inside Out in Action
Tracking the Pattern in Our Communication
Tracking sets the stage for a U-Turn, and reveals the protectors who engage in conflict. By becoming familiar with how they engage in arguments, you will begin the process of breaking down unhealthy patterns in your relationship (Herbine-Blank & Sweezy 2021).
Sensations let you know that something important is happening. We often believe that the other one is to blame, and started the fight, or constantly avoids honest communication. Tracking shines a light on the process, instead of the content of our arguments.
Our protectors quarrel and want to fight over what happened and who is to blame, but the relevant question is really what happens every time we get into conflict and why our protective parts keep on repeating the same patterns.
We need to unpack both our interpersonal dynamics, and internal, intrapersonal dynamics to get to the bottom of our repeating negative cycles in relationships.
Who Am I in Conflict?
The Tracking Sequence in Steps:
As you watched your partner say or do whatever it is that triggers your protectors, what did you notice in yourself?
What happened in your body? What is the Felt-Sense (feelings, sensations, and emotions)?
What parts of you react and how (e.g. controlling, angry, impatient, manipulative, submissive, analyzing, etc.)?
What did you hear yourself saying to yourself?
What are you feelings?
What was your, knee jerk, first impulse?
What did you do or say back to your partner?
What response did you get back?
How did you react to that?
What happens inside you when you get this response from your partners parts?
What did you notice as you stepped back and allowed yourself to see this cycle of reaction and counter-reaction?
What did you learn about: Your protector's job or role? Your protector's wish for you? How long it has had this job? What it fears about not responding in this way? What exile it protects?
How did your protector respond to your invitation to be in relationship with you in this moment?
Courageous Communication in Relationships
The aim of Courageous Communication is to promote unblending from our parts, regulate, or co-regulate with our partner, and communicate our needs clearly and honestly. It helps us to move away from the focus on the content of our argument, away from blame-shaming each other or ourselves, and into the process of understanding, healing, and new agreements. When we practice this way of communication, we will build trust not only with our own protective parts but also with our partner. Courageous communication brings relief and invites vulnerable exiled parts to be finally seen and heard by ourselves and our partner. In Courageous Communication, there is a giver and a receiver. The giver is the one who shares their experience, speaks for their parts (not from their parts), and the receiver listens, mirrors, validates, and empathizes with what they are hearing using the IMAGO Communication Tool. Feeling known and understood initiates a positive cycle of connection and caring, simply because it feels so good. Yes, it takes time to cultivate the ability to self-regulate and develop the high-level skill of deep listening and clear speaking, and, with each attempt, your abilities will grow. Just like when we start training in the gym, our muscles grow stronger each time we go. The trick is to keep on going at it regularly! Listening and speaking about our own, and the other's, impact of our behaviours, truthfully without attacking, collapsing, or panicking, takes great skill and courage. Courageous, from the inside out, communication requires both partners to stay present in the conversation until they both feel heard, understood, and a new agreement is found together.
Our protectors might refuse to cooperate because they:
Fear to get hurt more and get exposed too much
Fear being influenced by the other person's perspective
Believe listening means agreement
Believe they will be treated unfairly
Believe things need to be fixed quickly
Fear to be shut down by agreeing or disagreeing
Are too busy with a counter-response
Ironically, the exiled parts who long to be heard and seen, also tend to be over protected by parts who associate listening with being powerless, and therefor, refuse to listen. These parts are afraid to be influenced, controlled, humiliated, or never having the opportunity to be heard. Wary protectors fear change, and angry protectors like the energy and power of righteousness. As our protectors fight, accuse and injure each other, we are secretly wondering, 'Do you hear me? Am I safe with you? Will you meet my needs? All the while our protectors are chanting, 'You cannot be trusted! You aren't safe! You won't meet my needs!
Skillful Listening Tips
Courageous communication requires attuned listening and skillful speaking. No one can be present and attentive if their own internal system is fighting, fleeing, numbing, or collapsing.
Really listening, listening from presence, when another person describes your behaviours impact on them can be challenging and takes courage. It is possible one of the most difficult things to do at first. Be aware that your partners feedback is their experience of your behaviours and that often it's more about how that triggers them. Listening to your partner is an opportunity to learn something about your partner, yourself, and your relationship, and to become closer.
It helps to breathe deeply while listening when your own parts start to react and might feel upset, angry, misunderstood, or vulnerable.
You can ask to slow down, to take a minute, to get your bearings when needed, as the goal here is to stay connected and really hear what you partner is sharing with you.
It can be helpful to remember that there is always a vulnerable, hurt part beneath our partner's reactive behaviour.
Check in with your own parts and make sure you are unblended, relaxed and present.
Be open and willing to hear your partner's story. This is their experience, even if it doesn't make sense to your right away, or if you see things differently, they need to be heard and validated just as much as yours.
Be curious about your partner's experience, and the parts that are at play.
Remember! A conflict or disagreement is always an opportunity to get closer to each other, to bond even more, to get to know each other better, and have an even better relationship each time you support each other this way.
Listener:
1. Listen to your partners experience without reacting.
2. Be curious about your partner's experience.
3. Consider the truth in what your partner is saying
4. Be a safe listener for your partner's parts
Speaker:
1. Be present from Self and speak for your parts.
2. Speak truthfully about what happens inside of you only.
3. Know your goals before speaking, what do you wish to address?
4. Always make sure your partner is available for listening
5. Speak about your own experience (subjective)
6. Check inside and make sure you are unblended from you parts, able to speak for them, not from them, and ready to explore vulnerable feelings and needs.
Healing Relationship with Intimacy from the Inside Out explores how intimacy and connection are deeply influenced by our internal world of parts. At the heart of this approach is the understanding that all of us carry multiple inner parts—some protective, others vulnerable—each playing a role in how we relate to ourselves and others. When these parts go unseen or unhealed, they often act out in our relationships, repeating cycles of conflict, projection, and disconnection.
Through practices like the U-Turn, unblending, unburdening, and courageous communication, the IFIO model offers a path to inner healing and deeper relational intimacy. It encourages us to shift from blaming our partners to taking compassionate responsibility for our own wounds and reactions. As we learn to engage our inner world with curiosity and compassion, we foster emotional regulation, self-leadership, and ultimately, greater intimacy with ourselves and others.
True connection is born from the inside out—when we listen to and care for our internal parts, we open the door to authentic, respectful, and healing relationships. There are no bad parts—only parts doing their best to protect us. And as these parts feel seen and safe, they can step back, allowing our innate Self—with its calm, clarity, and compassion—to lead the way in love.
Anna Jongeleen Reg. Clinical Counsellor, CCC, MPS, AT